The five love languages of teenagers

I am re-reading the above book by Gary Chapman as I am dealing a lot with teenagers in school as well as at home.  Teenage years are often tumultuous times for our young as they exert their rights to be independent (from parents) and at the same time, draw closer to their peers to gain some form of self-identity.  Mixing with the wrong company can result in dire consequences. Hence the need for parents/teachers to be  guides and mentors to them. We know that in life, adults can often times mistreat the charges under their care or do things that convey no love and empathy.  The book highlights how parents can speak the languages of love to their children to build their self-esteem and confidence.  A quick summary of the 5 love languages are as follows:

1.      Words of Affirmation

• Recognize teenager’s accomplishments and commend him/her
• Has to be sincere and specific
• If results can’t be praised, praise efforts
• Express verbal affection like “I love you”, “I enjoy you”, etc.
• Affirmed in front of family members (but not their peers)

2.      Physical Touch

• Know the right time to touch; when they’re “in the mood”, not when they’re angry
• Know the right occasion to touch; not in the presence of their peers
• Know the appropriate manner for physical touch eg. hugs, shoulder rubs, slap on the back, holding hands, wrestling, etc.
• Inappropriate touch: physical/sexual abuse can cause much harm

3.      Quality Time

• Togetherness is the key where the teenager is the focus of attention
• Quality conversations focus on what we are hearing: maintain eye contact, be present, listen for feelings, observe body language, refuse to interrupt, ask reflective questions, express understanding, ask permission to share own perspective
• Use “I” statements as opposed to “You” statements eg. “I feel angry when you …”
• Seize moments when they would like to talk or go for an outing together; consult them when planning for a trip

4.      Acts of Service

• Freely given by parents are considered true expressions of emotional love
• Loving service is an internally motivated desire to give one’s energy to others
• Bartering and manipulation are not expressions of love
• Something which they cannot do themselves eg. when they are young, to wash their clothes, cook and feed them.  When they are older, we should teach them how to fish as opposed to fishing for them.

5.      Gifts

• Are visible, tangible evidence of emotional love
• This is different from giving gifts to pay for service rendered
• Should be done with some measure of ceremony

Pertaining to the last point under Gifts, we had family time recently when we presented to our children their monthly allowance through a simple ceremony.  We prayed that they would learn how to use their money wisely, setting aside 10% each for tithe as well as savings.  In this way, we are creating memorable events for them to think about and appreciate the good things in life they have been provided with.   We can speak all five love languages to our children but they usually have a primary one.  The book details how you can find out the love language of your child(ren).

Happy parenting!