The five love languages of teenagers

I am re-reading the above book by Gary Chapman as I am dealing a lot with teenagers in school as well as at home.  Teenage years are often tumultuous times for our young as they exert their rights to be independent (from parents) and at the same time, draw closer to their peers to gain some form of self-identity.  Mixing with the wrong company can result in dire consequences. Hence the need for parents/teachers to be  guides and mentors to them. We know that in life, adults can often times mistreat the charges under their care or do things that convey no love and empathy.  The book highlights how parents can speak the languages of love to their children to build their self-esteem and confidence.  A quick summary of the 5 love languages are as follows:

1.      Words of Affirmation

• Recognize teenager’s accomplishments and commend him/her
• Has to be sincere and specific
• If results can’t be praised, praise efforts
• Express verbal affection like “I love you”, “I enjoy you”, etc.
• Affirmed in front of family members (but not their peers)

2.      Physical Touch

• Know the right time to touch; when they’re “in the mood”, not when they’re angry
• Know the right occasion to touch; not in the presence of their peers
• Know the appropriate manner for physical touch eg. hugs, shoulder rubs, slap on the back, holding hands, wrestling, etc.
• Inappropriate touch: physical/sexual abuse can cause much harm

3.      Quality Time

• Togetherness is the key where the teenager is the focus of attention
• Quality conversations focus on what we are hearing: maintain eye contact, be present, listen for feelings, observe body language, refuse to interrupt, ask reflective questions, express understanding, ask permission to share own perspective
• Use “I” statements as opposed to “You” statements eg. “I feel angry when you …”
• Seize moments when they would like to talk or go for an outing together; consult them when planning for a trip

4.      Acts of Service

• Freely given by parents are considered true expressions of emotional love
• Loving service is an internally motivated desire to give one’s energy to others
• Bartering and manipulation are not expressions of love
• Something which they cannot do themselves eg. when they are young, to wash their clothes, cook and feed them.  When they are older, we should teach them how to fish as opposed to fishing for them.

5.      Gifts

• Are visible, tangible evidence of emotional love
• This is different from giving gifts to pay for service rendered
• Should be done with some measure of ceremony

Pertaining to the last point under Gifts, we had family time recently when we presented to our children their monthly allowance through a simple ceremony.  We prayed that they would learn how to use their money wisely, setting aside 10% each for tithe as well as savings.  In this way, we are creating memorable events for them to think about and appreciate the good things in life they have been provided with.   We can speak all five love languages to our children but they usually have a primary one.  The book details how you can find out the love language of your child(ren).

Happy parenting!

 

Eli and Samuel

For over 200 years, Israel was ruled by judges whom God raised up to deliver the children of Israel from the hands of their enemies.  Eli and Samuel were the last of the judges, with Samuel being the protege of Eli, the priest.  Samuel was dedicated to the Lord by Hannah his mother before he was born (1 Sam 1:11).  As a young boy, he heard the voice of God proclaiming judgment on Eli's household (1 Sam 3:11-14).  He became a prophet of God who saw Israel's transition from theocracy to monarchy (1 Sam 8:7ff).  Due to the godly influence of Hannah and Eli, Samuel grew in stature and in favor with the LORD and with men (1 Sam 2:26).

When we look at the children of Eli and Samuel, we notice that they were not similar brought up in godly values and discipline. The Bible's account on Eli's sons, Hophni and Phinehas, was that they were scoundrels; they had no regard for the LORD (1 Sam 2:12ff).  The NASB version states that they did not know the LORD and the custom of the priests with the people.  Eli's sons abused their position but were not rebuked nor disciplined by their father for their sacrileges.  Likewise, Samuel's sons, Joel and Abijah, did not walk in his father's ways but turned aside after dishonest gain, took bribes and perverted justice (1 Sam 8:1-3).   This led to Israel demanding a king to rule over them, just like the other heathen nations (1 Sam 8:4ff).

Today, as we commemorate Father's Day, these two so-called godly characters provide us with a snapshot of how one can be so focused on ministry (or work) at the expense of the family's spiritual well-being.  Likewise, we can be so busy doing the Lord's work (or advancing our career), seeing lives of people saved and touched by the power of God, but fail to instruct our own children in the ways of the Lord.  Paul exhorts, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Eph 6:4 (NIV).  The role of fathers is to teach their children the Lord's instruction as found in His Word.  This can be done through family times or casual conversations (Dt 6:5-7). This training should start when the children are still young so that they would not depart from the teachings when they grow old (Pr 22:6).

Our children may be attending church currently.  However, there is no guarantee that they would continue to worship God and acknowledge Him in the future.  With the influence of the world (through the net and peers) bombarding them constantly, if they do not have any spiritual anchors in life, they can be easily swept away by the teachings and enticements of the world (Eph 4:14).  As parents, how do we go about insuring their salvation and rich welcome into God's kingdom?  One way is to get the Word of God into their spirit man; teaching them how to go about feeding themselves on God's Word.  At the same time, teaching them how to commune with God, both speaking and listening to Him.  It won't be easy, as it requires effort on the part of both parent and child to build a good habit of having daily devotion with God.

A prayer that we can pray for our children centred on 5 Ps:
Principles: they be built up based on the principles of God's Word, knowing right from wrong.
Practices: their words, actions and attitude would be pleasing to the Lord.
Productive: they would grow in the grace and knowledge of God.
Peers: they would not be influenced negatively by their peers/friends but rather influence them positively.
Partners: their life-partners in future would be god-fearing; following and serving the LORD (Dt 13:4).

May God forgive us for our shortcomings in bringing up our children and give us His wisdom to be good fathers.  Have a blessed Father's Day!
  

Bidding Farewell

To bid adieu or good-bye to people whom we are familiar with can be a sad and painful thing.  All the more so if the separation is permanent, due to death.  Thankfully in life, such permanent separation encounters are not many, especially relating to people who are considered very close to us.  However, we can have many not so permanent separation encounters such as those that occur when we move on to a new location, be it due to work, study or habitation.  With each relocation, we leave behind familiar surroundings and the people we have been regularly interacting with.  We may or may not return back to our previous location.  Needless to say, family and close friendship ties will continue regardless of the distance of separation.  Effort is needed nonetheless to keep in touch.  What usually fizzles out are acquaintances and those we relate only at the work level.

Over the past two weeks, I have been saying farewell and thank you to colleagues and friends in the work place due to my impending move to a new working environment this week.  There were farewell treats and gift-giving to signify the close of a long chapter in my current place of employment.  The friendships forged through work have been wonderful and I reckon that I would still keep in touch with some of them.  Some are dear brothers and sisters in Christ who have the same passion of serving the needs of the community by being lights and salt for Him.  It's heartening to note that they intend to glorify God through their acts of service in the school where they belong.  And I hope to do likewise in the new school where I would be heading.

Two passages of Scriptures come to mind: one is the apostle Paul bidding farewell to the Ephesian elders (Ac 20:17-38) and the other is the prophet Elijah being taken away by God (2 Kg 2:1-14).  Let's first talk about Paul's farewell; it's a farewell not unlike those receiving a death sentence.  God had revealed to Paul that he would encounter bonds and afflictions on his way to Jerusalem (v 22-23).  By saying that they would no longer see his face, Paul indicated he was prepared to die for the cause of the gospel of the kingdom of God (v 24-25).  He lived with a clear conscience and had fulfilled his purpose amongst them (v 26-27).  He warned them regarding enemy attacks and commended them to God and His Word (v 29-32).  Finally he prayed with them (v 36).  That's what I did this morning - to pray for school and people I would be leaving - that God would continue to bless and prosper the work there.  Someone has said that to finish well one must finish each chapter of our life well, as exemplified by Paul.

Let's turn now to the Elijah's farewell, which was a permanent one.  For all intents and purposes, the prophets in the various prophetic schools set up in Gilgal, Bethel and Jericho knew that Elijah would be taken away (v 3, 5; 2 Kg 4:38). However, they did not know that the Lord was taking Elijah permanently away from them (v 16).  Elisha, whom God has anointed to take over Elijah (1 Kg 19:16), followed his master very closely and asked for the blessing of the first born to inherit Elijah's mantle of leadership (v 9).  Not only did he receive the mantle, Elisha, we are told, performed twice as many miracles as Elijah.  Like Elisha, we need to ask God for a double portion of His Spirit to accomplish whatever new work we are to undertake.  Indeed, the road ahead may be difficult, but if God goes with us, we need not fear.  I also breathed a prayer this morning, asking God to go with me into the new environment where I would be working.  Elisha showed us the tenacity needed to follow our mentor closely in order to learn from them.

As we close each chapter of our lives, may we close it well.  In so doing, we can eventually conclude our final chapter with these words of apostle Paul: "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing."  (2 Tim 4:7-8).  May we run the race of life with patience and faith till the end (Heb 6:12).      

Remembering to Forget

Then he (God) adds: “Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.”   Heb 10:17 (NIV).  This is such a wonderful promise to every human being living on earth.  The biblical meaning of forget is "not to hold it against the person and let if affect your relationship."  David wrote in Ps 103:10 that God does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.  If He were to do so, I guess none of us would find our way into His holy presence.  Because of God's great love and because of Christ's atoning sacrifice on the cross, the psalmist David was able to say, "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."  (Ps 103:11-12).  The greatness of the depth of God's love is seen in the greatness of the expanse of sins removal.

In life, we may have encountered situations whereby people have treated us below our dignity.  We could be forced into doing things against our will or be terribly humiliated.  Being raped, kidnapped, robbed, imprisoned (esp believers living under repressive regimes) or forced into prostitution (people involved in this are known as traders of human flesh) are examples of the former.   Some examples of the latter would include being abused verbally or backstabbed by co-workers.  There are also cases whereby people feel that they have been cheated by others through acts of unfaithfulness. The reverse could also happen when we treat people less than what they ought to be treated.  Such encounters often engender fear and hatred towards those who have perpetrated such demeaning acts. 

It is definitely not an easy thing to forgive those who have hurt us the most.  How do you forgive someone who has tortured you and brought about the death of your sister?  Corrie ten Boom, who hid the Jews during the Nazi holocaust, suffered greatly under the Germans. Her sister, Betsie, died while interned in the Nazi concentration camps.  Many years later, Corrie spoke about forgiveness to a church audience where her perpetrator was in attendance.  When he stretched out his hand to shake hers at the doorway of the church, Corrie confessed her inability to raise her hand up but eventually did so through the enabling power of the Holy Spirit.  As humans, we cannot forget the painful memories of the past but we can allow God to heal it by remembering to forget.  Inasmuch as God has freely forgiven us through the blood of Jesus Christ, we ought not to hold the sins of men (and women) against them.  Allow God to do His work of vindication in your life.

Let's be reminded of the scriptural injunction found in Rom 12:19-21, "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.'  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (NIV).  The Old Testament law was an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth (Dt 19:21).  This meant that an equivalent punishment must be mete out to those who did harm to the people. However, under grace, this has been superseded by "But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." (Matt 5:39-42).


"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."  (Phil 4:13)

Receiving a prophet's reward

Jesus was giving instructions to His twelve disciples before He sends them out to preach the gospel, heal the sick and cast out demons (Matt 10).  Towards the end of His instructions, He gave them this exhortation, "Anyone who welcomes you welcomes me, and anyone who welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me. Whoever welcomes a prophet as a prophet will receive a prophet’s reward, and whoever welcomes a righteous person as a righteous person will receive a righteous person’s reward." (v 40-41 NIV).

As disciples of Christ, they represented Him in ministering to the people.  Hence the notion that we are the extended hands of the Lord.  People who accorded welcome to the disciples are in fact welcoming the Lord, and also God the Father Himself.  This is kind of like the transitive property we learn in mathematics: if A implies B, and B implies C, then A implies C.  The corollary to the statement by Jesus would be those who reject the disciples would also be rejecting Christ and the Father.  But that is not what I want to focus on today.  I want to focus on the second statement made by our Lord, that is, those who welcome a prophet or a righteous person would receive a prophet or a righteous person's reward.

When people in a community warmly accepts and welcomes a prophet (by this I am ruling out fly-by-night prophets), they would be able to receive much from his ministry through the operation of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.  On the other hand, if there's unbelief or an indifferent atttude towards the man of God, there would be little or no benefit to the community.  Jesus made it clear to His disciples that the people who took care of their needs would be more than adequately compensated.  The nature of these rewards may vary from person to person, but one thing for sure, it comes from the hand of God through the prophet or righteous man. 

A case in point is seen in Ebed-melech, the Ethiopian who rescued the prophet Jeremiah from the cistern after interceding the king on his behalf (Jer 38:1-13).  Had he not done so, Jeremiah would have died in the cistern.  Because of this and his trust in God, Ebed-melech received the word from God that his life would be spared when Jerusalem is overtaken by the Babylonians (Jer 39:15-18).  What an encouraging word! That's the reward he received for taking care of Jeremiah.  As you read the two chapters of Jeremiah mentioned, you would notice that the king of Judah and the princes rejected Jeremiah's words and as such faced the consequences of their disobedience. 

What's the implication for our lives?  If we discern a genuine man of God coming, we should warmly welcome him.  When our faith level rises, we can expect miracles (of salvation, healing and deliverance) to take place in our midst through the ministry of that man of God.  If you go on a mission trip to some third world countries, you would find it easy to see miracles taking place because the hearts of the people are hungry and they display simplicity of faith in you (a representative of Christ).  Inasmuch as we don't want false prophets to minister to us, we are to ensure that we who minister in a different culture are righteous in Go's eyes.   Then and then only can the reward of a righteous person be transmitted to the community we are ministering to. May God help us to be His righteous representatives!