The Griefing Process

Each year there are deaths related to members of our church. Last year there were at least three that I know of. Death is not an easy subject to broach especially in Asian culture. However, the Bible does talk about death and our Saviour Himself suffered a cruel death on the cross for the sake of lost humanity. The good news is that He overcame death by resurrecting from the grave.

Death strikes each person differently. Some may be taken away cruelly through an accident or diaster, whether man-made or otherwise. Others suffer a slow and painful death due to sickness or possibly a quick one due to some form of debilitating illness such as a heart attack. Yet others choose to take things in their own hands by ending life sooner than later. For the majority of people, we would love to pass on peacefully.

The Bible admonishes us to remember that life passes swiftly and death often comes unexpectedly (see Jas 4:13-17). Our time on earth is short and we have to make the best use of opportunities available (Eccl 9:10) and ask God to teach us to number of days so that we may present to Him a heart of wisdom (Ps 90:12). When death does occur, it is the loved ones left behind who have to pick up the pieces after the funeral is over.

Taken from the book, Ministering to the Mourning by Warren & David Wiersbe, there are eight stages of grief that people go through after the death of a loved one.
1. Shock: an emotional numbness triggered by the body's grandular and nervous system. This is God's way of temporarily anesthetizing us so that we can face the reality of what has happened without falling apart.
2. Strong Emotion: Tears are always in order when the heart is broken. Abraham wept when his wife Sarah died (Gen 23:2); Jesus wept at the grave of His beloved friend Lazarus (Jn 11:35).
3. Depression: sometimes accompanied by a smothering feeling of loneliness and possibly physical symptoms such as headaches, sleeplessness, loss of appetite or the reverse, eating and sleeping too much.
4. Fear: that life would not be normal again; fear of driving or riding in a vehicle if the loved one died in a car accident.
5. Guilt: take blame for the death of loved one as a form of penance - "If only ..." True forgiveness comes through confession of sin and appropriating the blood of Jesus.
6. Anger: directed at other people including the deceased person - "Why did you have to leave me alone?" Feelings of guilt and anger whether hidden of expressed can fuel painful disagreements among family members.
7. Apathy: the bereaved person has a hard time relating to the situation and other people and chooses to withdraw into his/her own world and fight the battle alone - or stop fighting altogether.
8. Adjustment: Assisted by faith, family, friends and the normal human abilities and strengths God has given, grieving people can eventually come to terms with their losses, accept them, and learn to rearrange life to fit reality.

Not every bereaved person go through all the eight stages, or if they do, it may be in different order. However, these eight stages are "mileposts" by which the mourners and caregivers can measure the progress of the journey. Some people may oscillate between two or three stages for a time before moving on, and we need to recognise where they are if we are ever to bring comfort and solace to them.